As a therapist, one of the most heart-wrenching moments I witness is when couples come into the therapy room sitting on opposite sides—sometimes literally, sometimes emotionally—after the discovery of an affair. There’s pain, anger, shame, and confusion. And underneath it all, there’s often a question that feels too big to ask: "Can we recover from this?"

If you’re here reading this, I want to start by saying I see you. Whether you’re the betrayed partner or the one who broke trust, recovery from infidelity is possible—but it’s not easy. Healing takes time, patience, and sometimes help from others (like a therapist). In this article, I’ll walk you through five essential steps for healing after an affair. No jargon. Just real, compassionate guidance—like how I’d share it in a session.

Understanding the impact of infidelity

An affair isn’t just about a betrayal of physical boundaries—it’s about a shattering of trust, safety, and shared reality. The betrayed partner often feels like the rug has been pulled out from under them. The unfaithful partner may be grappling with guilt, shame, and confusion about why they made the choices they did.

It’s important to acknowledge that both people in the relationship are hurting—even if in very different ways. And recovery? It’s a two-way street. But whether you’re hoping to rebuild the relationship or move forward separately, these steps can help you find your footing again.

The 5 Essential steps to recovering from an affair

Step 1: Acknowledge the Pain

For the Unfaithful Partner: This is about owning what happened without minimizing, excusing, or deflecting. Acknowledge the impact your actions had on your partner. This isn’t the time for “but we weren’t getting along” or “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Right now, it’s about validating the very real pain your partner is feeling.

For the Betrayed Partner: It’s okay to feel everything—rage, sadness, numbness, fear. Whatever you’re feeling, it’s valid. You don’t need to rush into forgiveness or decide immediately what comes next. Give yourself permission to feel and express what’s coming up for you. This is an emotional earthquake—it’s normal to feel shaken.

Step 2: Open Communication

Creating a Safe Space: After an affair, communication can feel loaded and fragile. But healing can’t happen without it. The goal here isn’t to have all the answers right away, but to begin talking honestly and vulnerably.  Some helpful prompts include:

• "This is how I feel when I think about what happened…"
  
• "What I need most from you right now is…"

For the unfaithful partner, it means being open to hearing the hurt—without getting defensive. For the betrayed partner, it’s about sharing what you’re feeling, even when it feels messy or overwhelming.
Sometimes, these conversations need to be brief and spaced out. Sometimes they feel like they’re going in circles. That’s okay. The important thing is to stay engaged.

For more on communication tools, check out Our 10 Best Communication Tips for Couples.

Step 3: Seek Professional Help

Choosing the Right Therapist: I know, as a therapist, I might sound biased here, but honestly, having a neutral third party can be a lifeline. Affair recovery is complex. It’s layered with emotions, histories, and sometimes trauma responses.

Find a therapist who specializes in infidelity recovery or couples therapy—someone who can hold space for both partners’ experiences and guide you through this challenging terrain.

The Benefits of couple’s therapy:

There are many benefits for couples therapy, this includes:

• Creates a safe container for those hard conversations
  
• Helps rebuild trust by encouraging accountability
  
• Offers tools for moving forward, whether together or apart
  
  

At Wellnest, we have therapists from diverse backgrounds and specialties ready to support your healing. Explore our therapists here.

Step 4: Establish Trust Again

Building Transparency: Rebuilding trust isn’t about words—it’s about actions. Transparency becomes key. This might look like sharing passwords, checking in regularly, or clarifying boundaries around interactions with others.

For the unfaithful partner, this step can feel invasive—but it’s about creating safety. Think of it as offering reassurance, not punishment.

Setting New Boundaries: Affair recovery often requires renegotiating the relationship. Maybe that means:

• Setting clear expectations about communication with outside people.
  
• Agreeing on how to check in emotionally with each other.
  
• Creating routines or rituals that reinforce connection.
  
  

For a deeper dive into relationship needs, read Spot the Hidden Need: Uncovering Your Relationship Needs.

Step 5: Focus on Healing and Moving Forward

Individual Growth: Healing after an affair isn’t just about the relationship—it’s about you, too. Both partners need to look inward. What needs were unmet? How did each person contribute to the relationship dynamic? This doesn’t excuse the affair, but it does help foster understanding and growth.

Sometimes, individual therapy can be helpful alongside couples work, especially for the unfaithful partner to explore their motivations or for the betrayed partner to rebuild self-worth.

Rebuilding the Relationship (if you want): Not every couple chooses to stay together after an affair. But if you decide to try, know that it’s possible to build something new. The relationship may not be the same—but it can be stronger, deeper, and more honest.

If you’re wondering whether it’s possible to thrive again, check out How to Thrive After Rejection (Yes, You Can Do It).

Remember: healing doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing what happened. It means working through it, together or apart, in a way that honors both people’s needs.

Looking for support? Get help now with Wellnest. Whether you’re navigating this as a couple or individually, we’re here for you.

FAQs:

How to get over an affair when you are still in love? Healing doesn’t mean shutting down your feelings. If you still love your partner, give yourself space to feel that, while also protecting your emotional safety. Therapy can help navigate these conflicting emotions.

How long does it take to recover from an affair? There’s no set timeline for how long it takes to get over an affair. For some, it takes months. For others, years. Healing isn’t linear, and it’s okay if your journey takes time.

What are the three stages of affair recovery?

There are three main stages of an affair recovery, this includes:

1. Crisis stage: Immediate aftermath—feelings are raw, safety feels lost.
   
2. Insight stage: Exploring the "why" behind the affair and the relationship dynamics.
   
3. Rebuilding stage: Reestablishing trust, setting new boundaries, and deciding how to move forward.
   

What happens to the brain during an affair? Affairs can trigger intense brain chemistry—dopamine and oxytocin levels spike, making the experience feel exhilarating. But this can cloud judgment and lead to decisions that have lasting emotional consequences.

Wherever you are in this journey, know this: healing is possible. Whether you’re mending together or finding your own way forward, you deserve support, compassion, and space to heal.